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It's amazing how many people will come out for a free hot dog.
There wasn't a parking spot to be had on June 4 for the Fruita Chamber of Commerce's annual business expo. More than 60 local businesses set up tables and shade tents on a blissfully cool early summer evening, and were rewarded with visits from hundreds of area locals. The table fees funded the free tube steaks and a cowgirl singer.
Tom and I picked up so many leads our only problem was remembering which pocket contained the appropriate business card for our respective businesses. I was delighted to land two freelance writing gigs. One came from a high end Grand Junction glossy that is distributed from Telluride to Aspen. They hired me because they believe I am nuts. “You live WHERE, and you write for WHOM?” Yes, I live in Mack and I write for the Snowmass Sun.
So I am charged with giving them 500 fact-packed words and lots of photos about Snowmass Village for a fall issue. I am at no loss for upbeat enticements to persuade G.J.'s literati to consider a winter staycation in Snowmass Village, but I am stumped when it comes to explaining “it,” the massive constructus interruptus at the base of Fanny Hill. I can hardly act like it doesn't exist.
What to do about the Neolithic ruin also known as the parking garage? I've heard suggestions of bumper cars, a paintball court, a sculpture garden and a replica of the space shuttle that appears poised to launch from the upper deck.
These are all more creative than the proposed façade which would ironically be designed by one of the former mayors who promoted the whole mess.
Why not make some real money on the deal? I'm talking guaranteed contracted income as opposed to the maybe-baby “if-come” of yet another dubious tourist attraction. I'm talking about a business plan that would bring money to Snowmass Village even in the face of a no-snow winter or further economic decline.
My revolutionary plan would also increase employee housing, minimize traffic congestion from commuting worker bees, and offer a source of cheap labor that could dramatically slash payroll costs.
I know you are breathlessly waiting to hear my out-of-the-box plan. But no, this plan is fully in the box. In fact, it's locked in the box.
I propose the Snowmass Village Slammer. Here in the land of the free and the home of the brave, one of the fastest growing demographics is prison inmates. We have a higher percentage of our population behind bars than any other nation. Private prisons are big business, and crime is bound to rise as the economy falls.
Never mind that the real crooks got multi-million dollar bonuses and are as free as birds. That's another discussion.
The reinforced concrete structure is already in place. Just finish off the top floors with bare bones “employee housing” pods that make a 400-square-foot Mountain View studio look like a palace. It should be a simple matter to make sure the elevator from the lower parking levels bypasses the prison floors.
Snowmass Village is ripe for some light industry. Why not license plates? Minimum risk offenders could be available for work release. Jobs such as valet parking attendant are clearly inappropriate, but ice chipping, snow shoveling, landscaping and laundry duties could work out fine. There is a mid-valley homeowners association that enjoys top-level landscaping at bargain prices by using work release crews.
Now, you might be thinking that some visitors and investors may be uncomfortable that some of the workers around town are drug abusers, sexual deviates or thieves. But heck, that hasn't bothered folks for the last 40 years in Snowmass, so why start now? Plus, some of the visitors and investors are drug abusers, sexual deviates and thieves. They just have more discretion and better lawyers.
No need to lose Snowmass' traditional commitment to a colorful international employee base. We can git mo' at Gitmo. The federal government has a pressing prisoner relocation challenge at the moment. I can just see the town attorney drafting the service contract even as I type the words. Cha-ching!
Forget ineffective interrogation methods like waterboarding. After a winter that lasts from September 10 to July 10, those guys will be singing like canaries. If that doesn't work, a couple of months of mandatory attendance at Town Council meetings should do the job.
One can only imagine the kind of press a ski resort prison will generate. Probably make national news. You can't buy that kind of coverage. As they say, there's no such thing as bad publicity. I've got 500 words, and I'm willing to do my part.
Barbara Lucks' e-mail address is barbara@lucksdigital.comLetter
There wasn't a parking spot to be had on June 4 for the Fruita Chamber of Commerce's annual business expo. More than 60 local businesses set up tables and shade tents on a blissfully cool early summer evening, and were rewarded with visits from hundreds of area locals. The table fees funded the free tube steaks and a cowgirl singer.
Tom and I picked up so many leads our only problem was remembering which pocket contained the appropriate business card for our respective businesses. I was delighted to land two freelance writing gigs. One came from a high end Grand Junction glossy that is distributed from Telluride to Aspen. They hired me because they believe I am nuts. “You live WHERE, and you write for WHOM?” Yes, I live in Mack and I write for the Snowmass Sun.
So I am charged with giving them 500 fact-packed words and lots of photos about Snowmass Village for a fall issue. I am at no loss for upbeat enticements to persuade G.J.'s literati to consider a winter staycation in Snowmass Village, but I am stumped when it comes to explaining “it,” the massive constructus interruptus at the base of Fanny Hill. I can hardly act like it doesn't exist.
What to do about the Neolithic ruin also known as the parking garage? I've heard suggestions of bumper cars, a paintball court, a sculpture garden and a replica of the space shuttle that appears poised to launch from the upper deck.
These are all more creative than the proposed façade which would ironically be designed by one of the former mayors who promoted the whole mess.
Why not make some real money on the deal? I'm talking guaranteed contracted income as opposed to the maybe-baby “if-come” of yet another dubious tourist attraction. I'm talking about a business plan that would bring money to Snowmass Village even in the face of a no-snow winter or further economic decline.
My revolutionary plan would also increase employee housing, minimize traffic congestion from commuting worker bees, and offer a source of cheap labor that could dramatically slash payroll costs.
I know you are breathlessly waiting to hear my out-of-the-box plan. But no, this plan is fully in the box. In fact, it's locked in the box.
I propose the Snowmass Village Slammer. Here in the land of the free and the home of the brave, one of the fastest growing demographics is prison inmates. We have a higher percentage of our population behind bars than any other nation. Private prisons are big business, and crime is bound to rise as the economy falls.
Never mind that the real crooks got multi-million dollar bonuses and are as free as birds. That's another discussion.
The reinforced concrete structure is already in place. Just finish off the top floors with bare bones “employee housing” pods that make a 400-square-foot Mountain View studio look like a palace. It should be a simple matter to make sure the elevator from the lower parking levels bypasses the prison floors.
Snowmass Village is ripe for some light industry. Why not license plates? Minimum risk offenders could be available for work release. Jobs such as valet parking attendant are clearly inappropriate, but ice chipping, snow shoveling, landscaping and laundry duties could work out fine. There is a mid-valley homeowners association that enjoys top-level landscaping at bargain prices by using work release crews.
Now, you might be thinking that some visitors and investors may be uncomfortable that some of the workers around town are drug abusers, sexual deviates or thieves. But heck, that hasn't bothered folks for the last 40 years in Snowmass, so why start now? Plus, some of the visitors and investors are drug abusers, sexual deviates and thieves. They just have more discretion and better lawyers.
No need to lose Snowmass' traditional commitment to a colorful international employee base. We can git mo' at Gitmo. The federal government has a pressing prisoner relocation challenge at the moment. I can just see the town attorney drafting the service contract even as I type the words. Cha-ching!
Forget ineffective interrogation methods like waterboarding. After a winter that lasts from September 10 to July 10, those guys will be singing like canaries. If that doesn't work, a couple of months of mandatory attendance at Town Council meetings should do the job.
One can only imagine the kind of press a ski resort prison will generate. Probably make national news. You can't buy that kind of coverage. As they say, there's no such thing as bad publicity. I've got 500 words, and I'm willing to do my part.
Barbara Lucks' e-mail address is barbara@lucksdigital.comLetter
